


Don't

by PristineSnow



Category: South Park
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Internal Conflict, M/M, Religious Conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-04 04:27:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20465000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PristineSnow/pseuds/PristineSnow
Summary: Date, and say nothing to nobody. Date, but don’t touch. Date, yet with no kissing involved... Stan understands why Gary has anxiety towards dating, but it was brave of him to reach out and explore his sexuality. A light push into something more can't be that bad, right?





	1. Chapter 1

Date, and say nothing to nobody. Date, but don’t touch. Date, yet with no kissing involved. Rules, rules, rules. Stan understood everything about Gary’s anxieties involving self-discovery; take a daring step out of his religious norms and into a new world of acceptance was understandably frightening. Acceptance, except people who couldn’t understand Gary’s religion wouldn’t be too kind on questioning his choices. Then there’s the fear of being disowned by the family and even turned away by the church. On top of that, Stan’s friends would definitely make girlfriend jokes again, surely spreading the word of the two dating.

That’s why the two had agreed to go about the self-discovery in secrecy.

September, being the last year of high school, was going to be filled with excitement and nervousness. Stan had no clue in mind where he wanted to go after May, let alone what he wanted to do with his life. Helping animals was something definite, but unknown as to how exactly to get there. As for Gary, nothing. Not a single clue was on his mind. Childcare? Housekeeping? Missionary! … Maybe. Dating one of the same sex had discouraged Gary from hoping to serve his church.

Class began that morning, in which Gary had a seat in the front of the room while Stan was seated in the middle with his friends. He felt a little bad for Gary, seeing as how his only friends were a couple girls and one other guy- and that one guy was surprisingly not Butters-, yet they didn’t attend the same class. It was morning, and to spend a morning sitting alone with no friends felt disappointing.

It was Health Class; not only about diseases but about healthy communication and healthy ways of discovering one’s own level of comfort. Boundaries, emotional connection, agreements, disagreements- Everything Gary already preached about that Stan had not yet heard of. Of course he has heard of such things before, but coming from Gary’s mouth had not happened between the two. Dating had only begun a few days prior, anyways.

The topic was brought up after school. Stan’s friends questioned why he was going to the Harrison’s house, in which he had come up with the act of rolling his eyes and explaining, “I suck at Math, so they paired me with him. I don’t know how long he’s gotta tutor me for.” It was true how Stan didn’t know Math whereas Gary was a Mathematical genius, but the reason to the lie was obvious.

Stan found himself sitting beside the young man on his bed, door closed for a “private study session for school,” because it wasn’t a lie to his dad. They were discussing what they had learned from Health Class in order to apply it to their dating. Not relationship, because dating comes first. Stan understood that, despite wanting an actual relationship.

“Do you remember what we went over the other day?” Gary asked with a hopeful smile.

Of course it was recalled, “Don’t tell anyone, don’t touch and don’t kiss.” Stan was met with a more positive smile. He couldn’t help but smile back in a friendly way, feeling good about making someone else happy.

Yet it was almost like a mantra with “Don’t” repeating over and over in Stan’s head. Eventually, the repetition will break and stepping out of line for something new, something more would surely come, because it’s what Gary had gone through. A repetition of following rules, then a rebellion and seeking change was bound to happen. But it was something the two hadn’t thought about yet.

Don’t tell my dad. Don’t tell my brother. Don’t tell our friends. Don’t tell your dog. Don’t, for the love of God, tell Him. Don’t tell Him. Don’t tell Him. Don’t tell… 

Gary found himself praying that night, stronger than any other prayers, as if trying to get on His good side. The young man felt selfish, knowing it was wrong to kiss up to the Higher Being, but he wanted to be good. He wanted to be good, but he wanted to be himself.


	2. Chapter 2

“Math,” the same lie was used again the next week while the group was a visiting video game store.

Kyle was becoming suspicious, “I’m one of the Math tutors appointed by the school; Gary isn’t.” The other two weren’t with them, instead looking at some new game releases a few aisles away. They couldn’t hear what was being spoken about.

Looking up from a gaming handbook, Stan thought quickly before answering his friend. “Well, you don’t like him. Maybe you just haven’t been paying attention.”

“I’m there, Wendy is there, even other classmates are there. But Gary? He’s not there. He’s never there.”

A lie had formed almost immediately out of self-defense, “Gary isn’t there because Wendy is there, and she makes me uncomfortable now. So we study at his house instead.”

It was taken with reluctance as an honest truth, only because Wendy did in fact bother Stan with her presence alone. Strong, powerful, a force never to mess with- and then there was a need to show off Gary. She’s a friend of his, something that annoyed Stan. It was agreed that their secret dating was not to be spoken of to anyone, but Stan was paranoid over the thought of Wendy knowing.

Gary could tell her. Wendy can keep a secret. They were both strong, powerful, and a force to never mess with. Stan felt weak against them.

“Let’s talk about flaws,” Gary said that same night. As usual he was seated on his bed while Stan sat in the same place, some space between the two. “What flaws do you have that you’re aware of?”

“Why,” Stan asked with a flat tone in his voice. Something bothered him, and Gary knew it right away. However, he didn’t want to bring it up.

The young blonde explained, “So we can figure each other out! It’s an understanding of the way we go about things, so we’re not left confused and upset over the other’s actions. I can go first if you’re not ready.”

Stan shrugged, “You don’t have any flaws.”

Gary frowned in return, “Everyone has a flaw. Or rather, everyone needs a flaw.”

“Flaws can be worked on. Then, you never have a flaw in the end.”

“When one flaw is worked on, another appears.”

“But in that case, aren’t we all flawed with nothing positive? Only the happy have no flaws. I’m flawed, but you’re happy.”

“Stan-” Gary took a second to think before asking, switching the topic, “Are you okay?”

Those words stung for some reason, but Stan didn’t reply. Gary didn’t push for an answer, but he had gone silent. The room filled with an awkward air, making Stan feel depressed. It was happening all over again, the same silence that broke him apart from his ex. Feeling scared of the situation, Stan finally asked, “Do you talk to Wendy?”

“Of course,” Gary said with a small smile.

“I mean, do you talk to her about me?” Stan finally glanced up at the blonde. Eye contact was necessary in communication, despite Stan wanting to hide himself until the conversation was over. He was afraid of the answer.

Gary then smiled, as if telling the young man how he has nothing to worry about. “She doesn’t know about us. The only time she talks about you is when she mentions her stuffed teddy bear.” He laughed a little when Stan’s cheeks pinkened with embarrassment. The teddy bear was a Valentine’s Day make-up gift.

“Don’t tell her about us,” Stan mumbled. “I don’t want her… To know.” I don’t want her to tell you about our fights we’ve had. The young man was afraid of the past. Wendy was a force not to mess with.

The topic of flaws was forgotten about, although Gary couldn’t stop thinking about them. Asking about talking to his ex gave off a sense of paranoia. That, or maybe trust issues. Or insecurity. Gary prayed for Stan’s peace of mind before praying about how much he loved his family, his friends, his church and the members, and, most of all, his loving Father.


	3. Chapter 3

Gary was in charge of setting up the gymnasium for Homecoming. It was volunteer hours, something every senior student needed in order to graduate. Five long hours of no pay, in which Gary was sure to enjoy every second of it.

Joining him on the team was Annie, Wendy, Bébé and Heidi. A few other young men were there as well, but they were no one who could get along with Gary. He was setting tables with Wendy while she spoke to her other friends about who’s bringing who. The mention of Stan grabbed his attention.

“No, Annie! He didn’t even ask me!”

“Then, who do you think he’s gonna go with?”

Wendy shrugged, “I don’t think he’d get out of bed to even come here tonight.”

From a table away Bébé joined in, “If he does go, who do you think he’d go with?”

“Kyle, probably.”

“Kyle is going with Davíd!”

“I guess Stan would go with Sparky,” the girls then laughed.

Gary felt a little bad for Stan, and wished they could to the school event together. It wasn’t going to be the Senior Ball, where it was more important to go, but Homecoming meant “Welcome back to school, here’s a football game with a dance afterwards.” It shouldn’t be something that important.

“Are you going,” Heidi asked Gary, pulling the young man from his thoughts.

“Oh, I don’t have anyone to go with.”

Wendy spoke up, “I’m going with Bébé! You should go with someone!”

In return, Bébé spoke up, “Go with Annie!”

Annie blushed and smiled, but Gary had to politely decline, “I can’t tonight, I’m busy.” The girls “awe’d” in unison, wishing to see the young man in formalwear. They hoped to see him at Senior Ball. Gary hoped so, too.

That night, Stan didn’t come to visit him. Gary made a point of going to his house, smiling and greeting with Mrs. Marsh, and stepping up the stairs to Stan’s room. The two sat in awkward silence surrounded by a mess for a few minutes before Gary brought up a question, “If we weren’t dating, would you have gone to Homecoming tonight?”

“With who?” When Gary shrugged, Stan knew the young man had something on his mind. Something that bothered him. An action Stan wanted to make would be a bold move, but he did it anyways. He moved his hand over, reaching for Gary’s hand. The blonde pulled away, but Stan hurried and held it.

“Don’t-” Gary said with nervous surprise.

Immediately Stan as quick to reassure, “I’m not gonna do anything to you.” They were quiet for a short moment, then Stan struggled to ask, “Um… If I did go to the Homecoming… would you have… gone with me, if I asked?”

The answer wasn’t one from a romance novel. Instead of a joyous “yes” followed by a hug, Gary pulled his hand away and said, “I would decline! Stan, we can’t be seen by anyone out there! I- I would have to turn you down-”

“Wait!” Stan leaned closer and tried again. “How about this: we bring Homecoming here. Then, we wouldn’t have to miss out- except, well, seeing the team play football against some other school and fail miserably.” It happens every year.

The thought pulled at Gary’s attention. “What would we do?”

“Watch a football game, have some snacks, listen to music, I don’t know. Anything you’re comfortable with. I mean, we’re dating; we gotta do something other than hanging out as friends if you want to figure out who you are.”

The plan sounded nice. Just a game, snacks, music, talking… Don’t tell; Gary had to call his dad about staying the night with a friend, while Stan let his mother know about Gary sleeping over. Don’t touch; during the game, Gary half-slept and let his head fall limp on Stan’s shoulder, and Stan had to lightly push him awake. Don’t kiss; the night had escalated from an awkward slow dance to a tight feeling in their chests. Don’t kiss; they leaned forward, a little too close. Don’t kiss-

“Don’t,” Gary whispered with a weak voice. His breath was caught. He wanted to cry. Even Stan trembled. Anxiety and fear were the enemies, preventing something from developing into anything stronger.

They didn’t kiss that night, and Gary had forgotten to pray.


	4. Chapter 4

Stan’s friends came over the next morning, hoping to play some games, but they found him sleeping on the floor. Gary was in his bed, wearing their friend’s pajamas. Questions were stuck in their heads, unable to pass their lips. Kyle was furious, for some odd reason.

Mrs. Marsh apologized to her son after an argument had broken out. No allowed bringing friends into the house until her son was awake and ready for the day. Gary had run home, upset from Stan’s friend’s disapproval of the two being together. “Don’t tell anyone” should have been “Don’t get caught.” “Don’t tell anyone” then became a rule for the group.

“Stan!” Kyle nearly shouted, “you’re dating a Mormon boy! Don’t you know how wrong it is? You’re messing him up!”

“It’s- It’s not what you think!” After more arguments and getting nowhere, Stan decided to end it with a refusal to reply. It worked, and the group of four proceeded about their regular Saturday- except with hostility.

Kyle, Cartman and Kenny knew, so what difference would it make letting one more person in on the secrecy? Gary found Wendy at the park with Bébé. He didn’t want to bother to two, but after Wendy had seen worry in his eyes she had decided to pull him aside.

Gary cried about his fear, about the family finding out, and about the other three who saw. She made him laugh about not giving a damn, as how Tweek and Craig had done before. She made him feel better about being himself, about being strong and powerful. She also warned him about the way Stan would shut down and sit in depression caused by self-doubt and a distorted self-image. She was unable to help Gary’s fear of a hateful God.

“We’re taught to follow in His son’s footsteps; His son never dated the same sex.” Gary felt bad for speaking those words, but it was the truth of which the church elders had told him.

Wendy could only try, “If we kept to the Bible, we wouldn’t be here today. Think about it.” Laws, laws… Too many laws. Everyone was committing a sin one way or another. Judgement, hate, alienation- It was supposed to be love, acceptance, understanding- Gary didn’t want to think about it anymore.

Before he could turn for home, Gary had to tell Wendy, “Don’t tell anyone. Too many people already know.” She understood, and promised. She could keep a secret.

Stan had come over- or rather, tossed pebbles at Gary’s window until his brother appeared. Wrong bedroom. Stan stayed in the grass while waiting for Mark to step out of the house. They spoke about Gary. Mark was understanding, “He’s all for self-discovery, but only in the religious way. Helping the Elders, singing with pride, always making time for family night; so it makes sense he’d want to step out for a bit.”

Mark seemed like he hadn’t been active in his community. When Stan asked about it, the older brother was proud to announce his title. “I’m inactive! It’s a freedom of choice, and I’ve been happier this way. Dad doesn’t like it, but Gary understands. I mean, hell! It’s not like I’ve turned into a Satanist! I just don’t follow their codes anymore. That’s all.”

“What does you mom think? And you sister?” According to Stan’s memory, Gary was the middle child with two older and two younger. He also had a mother.

The question must have been a sore topic. “When I announced my want for freedom, the family fell apart. The women separated and the men stuck together. Gary goes back and forth helping mom to take care of Amanda ‘cause Jen went off to college. I’m only sticking around to take care of David, and because I knew eventually Gary was going to question himself. I wanted to make sure dad was going to be okay with him.”

Stan wished he had a supportive older sibling. His sister had gone off someplace after graduating a couple years prior. He was happy to be an only child for once.

There was a feeling of brotherly protection coming from Mark. He turned to Stan and said, “I’m only going to say this once: Don’t upset Gary. He already has a lot on his mind.”

Don’t tell; a broken rule replaced by “Don’t upset.” Then, to keep “Don’t touch” and “Don’t kiss.” But damn… It was hard trying to follow the rules.


	5. Chapter 5

Flaws. Everyone has them. Not according to Stan’s thoughts; Gary was strong and powerful, and one never to be messed with. “That’s why I don’t think you have any flaws.”

“I have flaws according to the church,” Gary finally revealed.

Dating one of the same sex, having a curious mind to step out of line, holding secrets from friends and family- those were the reasons to keeping the boundaries of “Don’t.” Stan was becoming impatient. He wanted to hold Gary’s face and kiss him, to tell him everything is okay, to argue that his church has no say in what he does or who he sees. Work on the flaws until they are no longer flaws- until something else comes along. Own the current fears.

“But, how do I work on them?”

Stan suggested to “go with it” until Gary is no longer afraid. Date the same sex, tell people who you’re hanging out with, question reality, question yourself, question everything! Keep the boundaries. Don’t tell, don’t touch, don’t kiss.

That’s why they had decided to go out. Kyle was falsely reassured that the two were “only friends” and how the date was a “complete misunderstanding.” Gary felt wrong, but kept silent. The group were hanging out for the night, waiting with eagerness to see a new movie.

The seats were nice but not so comfortable, the place was nice but not so warm, the people were there but not so nice-looking.

“Romance!! Blood and gore!! And there’s sex in it!!” Kenny was too excited, with everyone being 18 and allowed to watch restricted movies. However, he then turned to Gary and asked, “You sure you wanna watch this?”

Kyle turned to whisper, “Remind me why he’s here.” He was met with a frown from Stan. “He’s not allowed to watch this stuff.”

“Since when did you care? Gary hangs out with girls all the time, so I thought he’d like to do some guy stuff for once.”

Cartman, on the other side of Kyle, agreed. “Maybe Gary is tired of being treated as the gay friend! Let him do something cool for once.” He laughed, perhaps from thinking about how the night is going to happen. A frightened Gary rushing out of the movies, and a panicked Stan racing after him. It would prove they were dating.

The movie began, already showing a gruesome scene. Gary kept switching his eyes from the screen to the floor, screen then floor, screen then Stan. Kyle was watching with judgemental eyes. From Kyle to the screen again. Gary was beginning to regret his agreement to watching the movie with the group. A splash of blood and a scream, from the screen to the floor.

Kyle whispered to Stan, “I don’t think he likes this.”

“Just watch the movie. Mind your own business.”

“He’s freaking out; do something.”

Stan glanced at Gary to see him staring at the floor. He whispered, “Are you okay?”

“Nauseous,” Gary replied, then added, “But I’ll be okay!”

A sexual scene caused the blonde to rush out of the room. Stan panicked, and as if according to Cartman’s plan he rushed out of the room after him. Gary stood by the doors outside of the movie complex, not upset or sick or anything negative. Stan questioned, but nothing was wrong. Stan questioned again, and Gary began to cry.

It wasn’t necessarily the blood and violence and gore, but it was the sexual content. Gary wasn’t allowed to witness such an act seen as a sin, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t feel it. He had a longing to explore his sexuality, but a fear of having a partner to help him. Stan understood, but knew there was nothing he could do. They couldn’t find a way around it. It was either do it or-

“Don’t.” Gary didn’t want to be touched. He didn’t want to be hugged. He didn’t want to be kissed while the sun was setting, while people were still out, while the flowers were still in bloom. The gentle touch of soft lips felt comforting. It overpowered the stuck breath and rapid heartbeat. Gary needed the hug, and embraced the kiss.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a dream. Not the kiss, but the act seen as sin.

Gary couldn’t hate himself, only because he wasn’t allowed to. Self-love was important, and the dream was only natural. Yet, it felt wrong. It then became confusing. Don’t explore, don’t think about it, don’t touch the sacred part neither yours nor theirs- but what about an accidental dream? He couldn’t find an answer, only laying in his self-hatred mess.

It was brought up that same day during lunch. The two were at a diner, having their first proper and public date since a month ago. Gary asked, “Should I become a Missionary?”

“Why,” Stan asked while immediately looking to find a subtle way of shooting down the hope. Serving a mission takes time, and includes moving away. Far away. Far enough to reflect on yourself and conclude that you shouldn’t be dating the same sex.

“I thought that if I serve my church and bring in new members, I could be forgiven for stepping out-”

“Sounds fake,” Stan brushed off. Seeing Gary’s disappointed face made him explain, “There’s no free pass into Heaven; you just die and get in if you believe. Simple as that.”

“I wish it was.” Silence followed, being filled with the sounds of chatting and dishing clinking. It was thought about for a minute, before Stan spoke up again.

“Would it make you relieved or happy to serve a mission? If you go, you do it to make yourself happy. Not to make others happy.”

Gary smiled at the point Stan missed. “I will be happy if I make other people happy first. That’s what a mission is supposed to be about; spreading the word and gaining members. Seeing their happiness from being hopeful about a better life makes me happy.”

“Then go for it,” Stan finally said. “When would it start?”

“This summer!”

The environment stopped. This summer, as in eight months away. It didn’t feel like enough time to Stan. “Are you qualified?” He wanted to shut it down even more than the first time.

There was a happy smile on Gary’s face as he answered, “Yes! Definitely!”

It felt like an ending. At least, their lunch ended. But their date didn’t end despite the feeling of hopelessness forming in Stan’s chest. He didn’t want to lose Gary to religion. He didn’t want to have the dates be for nothing. He didn’t want his friends laughing at him. Gary knew something was wrong, so before he left for home he had asked Stan about it.

No use in hiding it. Otherwise, it would be a lack of communication. “I think I want to keep you.” Stan thought he shouldn’t have said that. A look of sadness had appeared on Gary’s face at those words. For a while he said nothing, then he spoke his thoughts.

“I don’t know about that… We’re already going in too deep.”

“In what? Dating?” Frustration was present as Stan began feeling impatient.

“We already touched! We already kissed! Those were two things I didn’t want to do, and you knew that!”

“You let me!” It wasn’t a lie, which put Gary at a loss of words. Stan took the opportunity to continue, “There’s nothing to be afraid of! Trust me, let go of your worries. Everything will be alright.”

Gary shook his head, “Too many people already know. It’s time to stop before my dad finds out.”

“I don’t care-”

“What have I done to make you like me?” Those words stopped Stan from speaking. What has he done to make him think?

He returned it instead, “Why did you want to date me?”

Silence. Thinking. Then a hug. Gary wanted Stan because he wasn’t afraid of anything. Because he knew when to think for himself. Because he made others think for themselves. That’s what Gary needed.

“I don’t want to give you up to anything. Not to your dad, and not to your religion.”


	7. Chapter 7

Mid-October turned the air cold and made the leaves from trees fall to the ground. Gary was studying his missionary handbook, set and willing to take off in the summer. Stan still had no clue where he wanted to go or what he wanted to do. Animals were still a definite.

“Get a job,” Gary had suggested. “So that when I come back, we can live together.”

That was exactly what Stan decided to do. Applications were sent to places- and that was it. Stan had to wait for replies. Not only was he motivated because of Gary, but another thought pushed him to try hard in life: Mr. Harrison. Stan thought that if he could get a job and actually get a car rather than carry a permit, he thought perhaps Gary’s dad would become accepting of him. All he needed to do was clean himself up.

A fastfood place hired him, and Stan hated every minute of it. His friends laughed at him, but it was going to be worth it in the long run. By November Stan had worked up enough courage to stop by Gary’s house just to meet his dad. No car yet, but he did have a steady job and some money. Something that didn’t make him look like a troublemaker.

Stan told his date, in which Gary protested with anxiety. “Don’t do it, please! I don’t want to lose you!”

“He might be understanding!”

“He didn’t and still doesn’t approve of Mark being inactive! Dad won’t support me!”

The bedroom door opened, revealing a confused adult. Mr. Harrison asked for context, in which Gary had finally spilled everything. He was left shaking, fearing what his dad was going to say next. Stan also added, “I have a job, and I’m working on getting my permit, because Gary helped motivate me…” Stan felt intimidated, wishing to turn back and never bring it up again.

All the man could say was, “I’m sorry, but I can’t allow it.” He seemed sad, but Mr. Harrison kept his posture and escorted Stan out of the house. Before he left, the young man looked at him and said, “As long as he’s under your roof, you have control over him. But as long as he’s free, well, he’s free.” It was a bold move. His words made the older man think from then through dinner.

He was washing dishes with Gary that same night. Mr. Harrison wasn’t mad or disappointed, but rather concerned. It was something he had thought he would face with one of his kids. There were five of them; one was bound have an interest in the same sex. It had to be the middle child.

“Gary,” he said in a fatherly tone, “once you have a place to live, you’re free to make your own rules. Did you know that?”

“Yeah,” his son replied, but obviously missing the point.

He tried again, “You can live with anyone you want. Family, friends, dates…”

Gary began to realize what was being said.

“But, until then, you have to abide by my rules. We’re a family of religion, but we’re also a family of love and acceptance. We shouldn’t fear, but we shouldn’t step out of line. I can only hope you know what you’re doing, and that what you’re doing is right.”

The young man felt happy and hopeful. It was a plan to serve in the mission, then to come back and move in with Stan. It would take a while, but as long as Stan can keep his patience then the two were going to be okay.

“Just one thing,” Mr. Harrison said. “Don’t ever pre-marital sex.” It’s a rule Gary would definitely keep.


End file.
